Public Enemy #1

30 11 2011

Word on the street is PETA has a new target. PETA (that’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not People Eating Tasty Animals) is already known for conducting various high-brow, intelligent campaigns. For example, naked people refusing to wear fur, or anything at all for that matter except a strategically placed (and terrified-looking) bunny, chick, etc. Those ads are out there if you want to sneak a look at airbrushed women in not even their skivvies, but this is a family-friendly blog. Go find them yourself.  Such tactics seem to indicate they have only one target audience in mind.

That's right, I'm talking about kids with evil paternal figures.

No, in a brilliant twist that everyone should have seen coming, PETA decided to target Super Mario.

Mario's all grown up.

They literally designed an entire campaign around Mario murderously wiping out the raccoon species for a tanooki suit.  “Tanooki may be just a suit in the game, but in real life tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur,” according to PETA’s site. “By wearing a Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it is OK to wear fur.”

After a deafening outcry from nerds everywhere, PETA later stated that the whole thing was actually “tongue-in-cheek.” PETA didn’t want us to burn our dusty Game Cubes, they just wanted us to stop buying that dagburn raccoon fur! I for one definitely have blown way too much of my income on raccoon apparel.

But wait, they’re just going to let Mass Murderer Mario walk free because a few fanboys got their tanooki tails ruffled? Not on my watch! We haven’t even come close to listing all of Mario’s horrifying subliminal messaging aimed at YOUR KID. Or YOU. If you play video games.

Let’s roll them out.

C'mon, PETA. This is up your alley.

Step on a turtle, and it will NOT shoot out of its shell wearing a grin and no pants. Try telling that to Little Billy, who just played through Super Mario 3 (Billy lives in the 80’s). No, in the cold, real world, that turtle is flat toast smeared with strawberry jam, if you get my drift.

Cruel Mario

This has happened somewhere.

I can hear my reader(s) crying out, “Okay! So Mario has animal issues! That’s all!”

No, sensitive reader, it is not. Exhibit B.

Kart Anti-Safety

Luigi about to face plant off the moving vehicle of fun.

“Kids! Helmets are for momma’s boys!” -Nintendo

Mario Mushroom

Of course it's safe!

“Kids! It’s so pretty, it GOTTA be tasty!” – Nintendo



“Pills, pills, pills! Of course I’m a real doctor!” – Dealer Mario

Frog Mario


“Kids! You can skin more than animals with fur!” – Nintendo


Occupy Weird Street

15 11 2011

As of this writing, the Occupy Wall Street folks have been cleared out of their “tent city” in New York City. The same goes for other cities, such as Oakland and Denver. Do these protesters have a point? Were the officials being wet blankets? What happens now? Who were the weirdest protesters?

Guess which question I think is most important.

Okay, I’m not a Occupy Wall Street expert. However, I don’t follow where the Pooh Bear theme fits into their message. But hey, it’s cold in NYC, so you can’t say the hat is pointless, and she also made a rather clever “bear” pun.

One of the reasons authorities gave for the eviction is the rising crime and drug use within the encampments, which is of course nonsense.

No drugs here.

There are approximately 13 misdemeanors authorities could have tacked onto the movement based on this video alone. All I can say is Santa Guy and Dancing Man were on a trip that no subway could ever take them on.

Oh, if only there was someone to keep all this madness in check! Someone to help the Little Guys and the Big Man talk things over without tear gas and tents. You know, a real life superhero.

Super Nerds

The Serious Way to Fight Crime

Be careful what you wish for. A member of the Real Life Superheroes group (actual members above)  happened to be in the middle of Occupy Oakland. These individuals literally dress up and patrol streets at night, hoping the bad guys aren’t armed with a gun or an even more obnoxious costume. Roy Sovari, aka “Ray,” and his fellow hero “Motor Mouth,” basically were “providing security” and “protecting the people’s right to assembly.” Because nothing says “political movement” like donning a cape or paintball mask and wearing undies over your normal clothes. Anyway, Sovari ended up getting arrested after supposedly hitting a cop with his Captain American-ish shield. The full story can be found on the official superhero site here. Apparently, all you need is a costume and photoshopping skills, and BAM!, you’re Batman. Or Master Legend.

Hopefully this post will clear up all the Occupy confusion and help everyone find some common ground. Now go play a saxophone for a bear.

I Know This Question Is Burning A Hole In Your Brain

9 11 2011

That question is, of course, what is the purpose of this blog? Let me be honest. One day I woke up and thought, “what if someone started a blog that was actually an intelligent, well-researched piece of brilliance? What if it provided homespun wit and clear-cut guidance that anyone from Lindsay Lohan to Warren Buffet could depend on?”

Well, I hope someone does that one day. Until then, I’ll be posting any random junk that falls out of my head or into my lap.