100% Accurate Predictions for 2012 Movies- Part 1

23 01 2012

Look out! I’m releasing my fashionably late predictions for this (month-old) new year! First up, lights! Camera! 3D price inflation! Get ready for your must-see movies this year!

Haywire- January 20

OK, so this may already be out, so at least this prediction will be right. “Haywire” pits Gina Carano, former MMA fighter, against Obi-Wan Kenobi, in a very Bourne-ish way. Without the writing, dialogue, and story of Bourne, that is. This falls into the “Could’ve Been Good But They Showed The Whole Thing In The Trailer” category.

None of these characters are really used.

Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace….IN 3D!!!- February 10

George Lucas has pooped out a new golden egg! It’s the same movie that disappointed you back in the 1999, but this time, the wasted opportunities jump out even more in glorious 3-D! Rumor has it that Lucas makes a cameo as young Han Solo.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The ticket even costs twice as much as it did then!

The Hunger Games- March 23

Fans will annoy non-readers about how much better the books were. Reviews will contain at least 3 bad puns, such as, “left me HUNGRY for more,” or, “a decidedly four-star MEAL.”

Cover of "The Hunger Games"

The Dark Knight Rises- July 20

The Dark Knight Rises is released and crowned “the definitive comic book movie,” leading to the cancellation of all other planned comic book movies for the next 10 years. Critics cite the only drawback in the movie to be the animatronic Heath Ledger, who “makes Batman’s enunciation sound natural and clear by comparison.”

The Bourne Legacy- August 3

Alternate title: The Bourne Sellout.

Too hard to find the movie poster.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II- November 16

The final “Twilight” entry stuns the world, receiving the ever-elusive 100% rating on rottentomatoes.com. Roger Ebert eats crow, calling the installment, “quite frankly, beautiful.” Time calls it “THE visual and creative triumph of this century.” Congress responds by declaring acid trips during movie reviews illegal.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn


The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey- December 14

Disappointment ensues when the much-anticipated prequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy turns out to be a mash-up of deleted scenes, Youtube parodies, and fan videos, all cobbled together into one semi-coherent plot. Peter Jackson still doubles his wealth.

The poster should have tipped everyone off.


News in Review

12 01 2012

This week in politics, something worthwhile finally emerged from the Republican debates as Newt Gingrich told Romney to “drop the pious baloney,” giving the meme-fascinated society something to beat around for a while.


English: Newt Gingrich at a political conferen...

Yeah! I'll have some pious bacon too!


In sports, Tim Tebow averaged 31.6 yards per pass and gained an overnight rating of 31.6, clearly in direct defiance of NFL’s regulation against Tebow’s John 3:16 face paint.

Also,  LSU’s football team  remains stuck in New Orleans ever since someone put a 50 yard line in front of the bus.


English: Tim Tebow, a player on the Denver Bro...

No Tebowing for LSU.





In world news, Dear Leader Kim Jong-il finally sprouted glorious wings of diamond rubies and flew to the heavens leaving a trail of rainbows and purity. Luckily his son Russell, a rising boy scout, has become the new glorious successor.



Need Help Crossing the Southern Border?



Finally in entertainment, Cee Lo Green enrages John Lennon fans by changing a lyric in his performance of “Imagine” at NBC’s New Year’s Eve broadcast from Times Square, confirming to skeptics that somebody actually watched the show.


Kim Jong-il reportedly was too busy creating wondrous new galaxies to view the show.