My Funeral

23 02 2012

Okay, first of all, this isn’t one of those “emo kid” posts. I was legitimately thinking about what my ideal funeral would be, because that’s what normal kids do these days after cutting…out coupons. We’ve all gotta plan this shindig sometime, so why not now? Plus, I don’t like normal funerals, and I wouldn’t call myself normal, so why have a normal funeral?


The burial of a bird

Wow, this is kind of depressing.


So then it hit me. Why not have two funerals?


Think about it. What’s the worst part about funerals? That’s right, the PEOPLE. People who you can’t stand and probably never liked you or the guy who passed away. They just lurk in the shadows, wait till someone actually starts to get reflective, and then strike out of nowhere like an Occupy Wall Street Protester. They’re also either too fake-weepy or are still on a post-wrestling-match-viewing high. So, why not give them their own funeral?


Funeral One would be the standard fare for the  people I actually enjoyed being around when I was still around. The mood will be somewhere between somber and Super Bowl Party, but honestly I haven’t worked out all the details for this one yet.


The second funeral would be for the poopy relatives and acquaintances, and would have the same effect as Jim’s joke on Dwight.



Anyway, Funeral Two would have invites sent to only those type of people. Funeral One would not exist as far as they know. After a particularly long and drawn-out service, they’d be treated to a special video from me, which would turn out to be my own version of this gem. After the video fades out, the lights go out, except for a single spotlight on the closed casket. Suddenly, the lid blows open, and an animatronic version of me sits up and starts to dance to the tune of some random junk song. I’m thinking “Bad Romance” or something. One minute into all this, “You Got Punk’d!” flashes on the screen to drive the point home.


Dwight Schrute

And all the Shrutes walk away.


Thoughts? Questions? Want me to help plan your going-out in style? Leave me a comment.



13 02 2012
Happy Single's Awareness Day!

Happy Single’s Awareness Day!                     (Photo credit: Max Braun)

Woke up this morning just like any day

Hopped on Facebook to tell a friend “Hey!”

Then I saw on his wall something I had not sought,

He loved his girlfriend, and man, (he said) was she HAWT!

That’s cute, I thought, and switched to the feed,

And got blasted with stories of conjugal needs!

It all hit me like a ton of bricks,

Statuses filled with relational bliss!

Thirty-two friends with the best girl, EVER!

Forty-nine pics with faces of laughter.

And then as obnoxious as an ill-timed fart,

Every message they gave ended with a heart!

Sappiness stretched as far as I could see,

And I said aloud, what could this be?

Then realized, much to my dismay,

It must be Singles Awareness Day!

I logged off my account without feeling bitter,

Even though my plans for the day were withered

With any friends who had found a mate.

“Fine!” (I sniffled) “I’ll have fun without a date!”

So I bought some ice cream (a pint seemed right)

And got together with friends for a Bro Night.

We ate and joked and watched TV

And properly celebrated S.A.D.

Single Awareness Day Meme