If Christopher Nolan Directed “The Avengers”

7 05 2012

So, like one or two dozen other people around the world, I saw The Avengers last weekend. Like most of you, I watched this movie and thought, “I could’ve done better.” However, since I’m a little short in the Hollywood influence area, I’d choose the next best person: Christopher Freakin’ Nolan.

Chris Nolan

The Director we deserve, but not the one we need.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What if the man behind Dark Knight decided to add a cold, hard dose of reality to fun-loving, superhero-fueled The Avengers? Well, you’d have a gritty, realistic, mind-bender of a movie, of course without all the aliens and, er, superpowers.

The Unrealistic Comic People

I present Nolan’s likely character presentations.

The Hulk– Dr. Bruce Banner is a very large physicist of a man.  He struggles with anger issues caused by a childhood filled with bullying from all the skinny kids. Despite his weight, he spends half the movie without his shirt on, designed to “shock” the audience.

Iron Man– Replaced by Batman, because Chris Nolan does what Chris Nolan wants.

Thor– Stan Carter claims to be the god of thunder, carrying around his giant sledgehammer and rocking medieval-style locks. Early on, it is revealed he took one too many trips down Trippy Lane during his college years.

Hawkeye– Best shot in the world, former Navy SEAL. His importance in the story is greatly enhanced by the loss of the other’s super powers.

Black Widow– Thor’s deceased wife who only appears in his drug-induced dreams.

Nick Fury– Played by Morgan Freeman, and that’s all you need to know.

Loki– Thor’s adopted brother with delusions of grandeur. His plan is to use an army of illegal aliens to storm New York City, because he’s an agent of chaos who just wants to watch the world burn.

Plot- Switch Loki’s army to disgruntled, exploited illegal aliens. Switch super hero face-offs to gritty hand combat. Besides that, same thing.

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