So, there’s a few people in the world looking forward to Nolan’s final bat-epic, Dark Knight Rises. As I have already pointed out, Christopher Nolan prefers dark and realistic-ish takes on Batman. However, what if Warner Bros. decided to lighten the mood a little (Avenger-rize) with a new director? How about Michael Bay? What’s the worst that can happen with him in charge? Shia LaBeouf. Or maybe Megan Fox. Maybe even Nicolas Cage! Probably all working together to create a masterpiece! Let’s take a look.
(The film opens with 45 minutes of no BATMAN or BANE, just SHIA LABEOUF going to COLLEGE.)
MICHAEL CAINE: What the heck did that have to do with the plot?
(CAR EXPLODES behind them)
SHIA LABEOUF: Oh, no, no, no, no, NO!
(The BATMOBILE races in)
MICHAEL CAINE: Master Wayne!
BAT-CHRISTIAN BALE: Alfvred, wefghahlph ardk trulfed pseveaiemivfhysl.
MICHAEL CAINE: Oh, come, Mr. Bay! His voice has never been close to that bad! Those aren’t even real words!
MICHAEL BAY: I know! It’s the perfect filler! And it’s still more meaningful than my usual dialogues!
SHIA LABEOUF: Hey, guys, I’m gonna find some monkeys to swing with. (Walks away to DESTROY INDIANA JONES)
EXT. ROOFTOP OF GOTHAM BANK
(BANE is carrying a BOMB, but is stopped by CATWOMAN)
BANE: You are not Anne Hathaway.
MEGAN FOX: (Pouting expression)
BANE: There’s not a acting bone in your body, or anything real at all, for that matter.
(Camera continually OGLES MEGAN FOX during the conversation)
BANE: REALLY? First Shia Lebeouf, now you? Screw it.
(BANE detonates bomb, MERCIFULLY TAKING HIMSELF OUT OF THIS TRASH)
(MEGAN FOX runs in SLOW MOTION from the massive EXPLOSION, which has started a chain reaction of MORE FIREBALLS)
MORGAN FREEMAN: WHOOOHOO! Now that’s some REAL messed-up, heavy– sigh, really Mr. Bay? This is NOT how my character has acted in the other movies.
MICHAEL BAY: I know, but you were the main black character, and I have to have some good old-fashioned racist stereotyping in here somewhere, right? Now let’s see you put those gold teeth back in.
INT. OF THE BATCAVE
BAT-BALE: I think I’m going to need help cleaning up this city, SHIA LEBUTT. Will you take your place as ROBIN?
SHIA LABEOUF: Well, gee, I would love to-
MICHAEL BAY: -And that’s great! Enough character development! Let’s hit the good stuff! AUTOBOTS, ATTACK!
(The ending of the MOVIE is replaced by 45 minutes of CGI BATTLE)
SHIA LEBEOUF: NO NO NO NO NO NO!