Brave Review in 5 sentences

26 06 2012

1. Brave is a good flick, but it’s no Up, or Toy Story 3, or Wall-E, as in it’s not as universal in its appeal or as original in its presentation.

Toy Story 3

Not even close. Wikipedia

2. Pixar failed to make me bawl like a small child, unlike Up or Toy Story 3.

 

3. I’m pretty sure even Dreamworks (Pixar’s ugly stepchild) never showed that many butts in a movie before; is this Pixar’s new thing?

 

4. For a brief description, imagine a Disney princess movie with a little more female empowerment, maybe not quite as much butt-kicking as Snow White and the Huntsman, but Merida’s pretty good with that arrow (cough cough Hunger Games).

 

If Black Widow and Hawkeye Had a Child

Avengers tie-in!

5. It’s high time for The Incredibles 2, can I get a Amen?

ONE MORE THING: If you’ve never seen this awesome Pixar Logo parody, what are you waiting for?





Why Getting Older Makes Life Harder

19 06 2012

“Well, doesn’t THAT look like a heavy topic,” you say. “Getting older? Sounds like sentimental writing drivel to me.”

Sure, this blog post is sentimental, if “sentimental” could describe a lumberjack cutting down the world’s oldest tree, or maybe if George Lucas’ revision and cheapening of his Star Wars empire is “sentimental.” What I’m trying to say is, it’s impossible for this blog to be sentimental, much like it’s impossible for a blind man to be sentimental about his first coloring book. (Too much? Too much.)

Stevie Wonder

No coloring books, but crazy good at the piano. Guess which activity I wasted my time on?

 

No, what I’m referring to in the title stems more from how darn easy babies/toddlers have it, and how nice it would be to have this advantage in the real world. I’m not even talking about how people spoon-feed you, clothe you, and carry you around everywhere (although that would still be nice now.) Let’s start with the obvious:

Everything Is Cute

Say you’re a baby, and you’re having a bad hair day. Photo-op! Ooh and aahs go around. Look at the cute baby with his witl’ cowlick! (Ew.)

Now say you’re just having a bad hair day period, with no baby cheeks (on your face) to help you out. What’s the last thing you want? Photo-ops. Why? You’ll be mocked, or at least judged to have an IQ on par with this guy.

 

Donald Trump's Bad Hair

However, some people seem to thrive on bad hair.

 

Everything Is Funny

Next, say you let a giant, nasty sauce, belch out? If you’re a baby, guess what? Those around you are rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL for you hipsters). It’s cute!  You’re going to be DADDY’S LITTLE BOY.

But what if you’re daddy’s grown up boy, and you’re in the middle of a sales pitch, newscast, State of the Union Address, or a proposal of marriage? Well, my boy, you may as well pack your bags for your move to Loserville. No, to be funny, now you’ve gotta actually get some jokes in your bank.

Expectations Are So Small

Woo-hoo! You just went poo-a-loo in the toilet! BIG DAY for you, kiddo. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Take a second nap! Have a shot of apple juice!

kitty toilet training phase 4

Seriously, even Mr. Whiskers can poo into the bowl.  (Photo credit: reallyboring)

 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the last time I came out the bathroom, walked into a group of people, and shouted “Success!” I didn’t get one clap of applause. Even put the seat down. Apparently I have to go build the Eiffel Tower now to get any respect. But you know, that’s fine, because eventually,

It All Gets Easy Again.

That’s right! Everything goes back to zero! Fast forward to senility, and you’re the funniest person in the nursing home! You get to wear diapers again! Bad hair day? IT’S NOT THERE ANYMORE!  You’re essentially a baby wearing glasses. But at least Benjamin Button doesn’t have all those high expectations anymore.

Serves you right, Brad Pitt.





Prometheus Mini-Review: I Would Never Do That

13 06 2012

(Largely Spoiler-free!) Well gents, I got on the bandwagon and joined the masses to see Prometheus last weekend, and learned that jumping on the bandwagon is an easy way to lose 9 bucks. Now, not to be overly harsh on the number one opening weekend movie (oh wait, that was Madagascar 3), but I feel like there were a lot of missed opportunities in Prometheus to actually make sense.

Prometheus Bound

In case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about this guy.

Now, let me first say that Prometheus obviously had high production values, a stellar cast (Michael Fassbender deserves a shout-out), and was on its way to the top of my summer list, until I realized it never intended to answer any questions it introduced. That, and the script called for characters to act in such bizarre ways it completely took me out of suspension of disbelief. So yeah, I guess I could say I had problems with the writing.  Let’s pull Exhibit A, B, C, and D  from behind the sci-fi curtain, shall we?

Characters With An Alarming Number of Bad Choices

(A) So. You’re a biologist and a geologist who encounter an alien life form that looks sorta like, say, this.

“I want to be loved” face.

What do you do?

REGULAR PERSON: If you said, “Get the #@$& out of there!” , then CONGRATULATIONS, you’re smarter than this movie’s top biologist!

MOVIE BIOLOGIST: “Hey, little guy! I’m gonna try to touch you to, uh, tickle fight or something.” But really.

(B) Ok, how about this one? Say you’re directly a rapidly falling object, to avoid spoilers, let’s say you’re visiting Paris and the crap hits the fan with the Eiffel Tower. Which way do you run for the best chance at survival?

Prometheus Falling Ship

Take your time on this problem. It’s okay.

REGULAR PERSON: Not taking my chance with that bridge! Oh yeah, I could probably also just roll sideways.

PROMETHEUS: “Guess who’s not going to be in the sequel! Mr. Long Distance Runner!”

I was screaming at the screen during this one.

(C) Next, avoiding spoilers, let’s say you (very) violently got a giant, deadly, Alien thing out of yourself somehow. Let’s say you escape to the next room, down the hall, with the Alien thing writhing angrily. DO YOU: (a) at least warn your friends not to go to that room? (b) tell them the whole story, including the whole DEADLY ALIEN WITH TENTACLES bit, or (c) SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT, letting the thing GROW EXPONENTIALLY FOR THIRTY MORE MINUTES.

I shouldn’t have to say what the character does at this point.

I mean, c’mon, the least of us will warn others to not go into the bathroom right away, if we just dropped the kids off at the pool, if you follow my drift ( har! har!). What if, instead of methane gas, we had left a rabid chupacabra floating alive instead?

Scary Toilet

Or this. Imagine not even mentioning seeing this.

PLOT HOLES/UNEXPLAINED SCENES

(D) I could save some time by saying a “Lost” writer helped with the scripting, so there you go. Or I could mention a never-again-mentioned, much less explained, opening scene of essentially an alien male model killing himself in the most creative way possible. Or, how about all the random loose ends that may or may not be answered in a sequel? You know, like motives for the Engineers? Or maybe something actually explaining what the heck was the point of this movie? But, again, “Lost.”

Finally, the whole “we somehow got a few trillion dollars and a clueless crew for an expedition based on nothing but cave drawings we think aliens left us and by the way you still won’t know what they meant by the end of the movie.”

Prometheus Meme

This would’ve been more entertaining. And made more sense.





Deep Life Lessons Learned From Being the Chik-fil-A Cow

9 06 2012

If you’re reading this at your desk, standing up, then please, sit down. I don’t want to knock you down with the sheer weight of these philosophical truths  about to come your way. Ready? Well, let me tell you about my experience as the Chik-fil-A Cow.

 

chick-fil-a cows

The Hall of Fame.

 

Way back in high school land, I worked at the fine establishment of Chik-fil-A. It was all typical fast food grunt stuff. Take orders for customers, feed them, take their trash, clean up after them in the bathroom. Sorta like taking care of a baby. That sort of thing gets old, until (gasp!) I got the chance to BE THE COW. For outsiders, this was the holy grail of act-stupid-for-an-hour for us workers.

It was all so mystical too. Customers would see one of the skinny teenager workers disappear in the back, and then, 15 minutes later, THE COW WOULD COME OUT THE DOOR! If you’ve never seen The Prestige before, or Christmas, the feeling of wonder and bafflement was kind of like that.

 

 

The Prestige (film)

THE TRANSPORTED COW IS THE SAME MAN!  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

The whole point of this story is to share that, although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was learning LIFE LESSONS that anyone could use. After much revision, I managed to cut it down to three truths.

1. Girls are nice/Boys are the Devil

Ok, so maybe everyone knows the man and the cow are one and the same. This includes most of the kids too. However, little girls either pretend they don’t, or make themselves believe. Boys act like jerks. Say you’re the cow at the birthday party. “Hello, Mr. Cow,” say all the girls as they shake your hand (why is it mister? I’m a cow, not a bull). The boys? They’re behind you, poking you. Or if you do shake the little cretin’s hand, he’s trying to PULL YOUR HOOVES OFF. No brownie for you, you little jerk.

 

Chik Fil A Cow

Demon and Angel

 

2. Illustration of Corporate America

Ok, this is swimming in the deep end, but think about it: every worker in corporate America is like that cow. They all work for a Mr. Boss Man, who tells them to do something at the cost of their dignity. “Go out to the sidewalk for an hour! And you better dance! Like every cow does!” So you do. You dance for your Mr. Boss Man (or Ms. Boss Lady). For years, you dance. Than what? You finish, take off the costume of degradation, and go home (retire). And you get paid minimum wage the whole time.

Sorry if that sounded too depressing, so let me cheer your up with the final point!

3.Human Love is Conditional

What better life lesson is there than this? But it’s true! Customers would immediately stop asking for menu items we never carried when the cow came out. Before, you were just the person who couldn’t get their food ready fast enough. But now, you were THE COW, and they smiled! Kids would high-five you instead of pointing at the giant zit on your nose! Even the manager would laugh with (at?) you. However, take off the mask of cow, and next thing you know, Mr. Boss Inclusive Gender Person is handing you a mop to clean up some fatty’s mess in the bathroom. Love. Is. Usually. Conditional.

 

English: Truett Cathy, founder of Chik-fil-a

Why don’t you wipe that poo-poo up like a good soldier?                                          (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

SIDE NOTE: The Cow’s brain? That’s actually a fan! How awesome is that?