If you’re reading this at your desk, standing up, then please, sit down. I don’t want to knock you down with the sheer weight of these philosophical truths about to come your way. Ready? Well, let me tell you about my experience as the Chik-fil-A Cow.
Way back in high school land, I worked at the fine establishment of Chik-fil-A. It was all typical fast food grunt stuff. Take orders for customers, feed them, take their trash, clean up after them in the bathroom. Sorta like taking care of a baby. That sort of thing gets old, until (gasp!) I got the chance to BE THE COW. For outsiders, this was the holy grail of act-stupid-for-an-hour for us workers.
It was all so mystical too. Customers would see one of the skinny teenager workers disappear in the back, and then, 15 minutes later, THE COW WOULD COME OUT THE DOOR! If you’ve never seen The Prestige before, or Christmas, the feeling of wonder and bafflement was kind of like that.
The whole point of this story is to share that, although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was learning LIFE LESSONS that anyone could use. After much revision, I managed to cut it down to three truths.
1. Girls are nice/Boys are the Devil
Ok, so maybe everyone knows the man and the cow are one and the same. This includes most of the kids too. However, little girls either pretend they don’t, or make themselves believe. Boys act like jerks. Say you’re the cow at the birthday party. “Hello, Mr. Cow,” say all the girls as they shake your hand (why is it mister? I’m a cow, not a bull). The boys? They’re behind you, poking you. Or if you do shake the little cretin’s hand, he’s trying to PULL YOUR HOOVES OFF. No brownie for you, you little jerk.
2. Illustration of Corporate America
Ok, this is swimming in the deep end, but think about it: every worker in corporate America is like that cow. They all work for a Mr. Boss Man, who tells them to do something at the cost of their dignity. “Go out to the sidewalk for an hour! And you better dance! Like every cow does!” So you do. You dance for your Mr. Boss Man (or Ms. Boss Lady). For years, you dance. Than what? You finish, take off the costume of degradation, and go home (retire). And you get paid minimum wage the whole time.
Sorry if that sounded too depressing, so let me cheer your up with the final point!
3.Human Love is Conditional
What better life lesson is there than this? But it’s true! Customers would immediately stop asking for menu items we never carried when the cow came out. Before, you were just the person who couldn’t get their food ready fast enough. But now, you were THE COW, and they smiled! Kids would high-five you instead of pointing at the giant zit on your nose! Even the manager would laugh with (at?) you. However, take off the mask of cow, and next thing you know, Mr. Boss Inclusive Gender Person is handing you a mop to clean up some fatty’s mess in the bathroom. Love. Is. Usually. Conditional.
SIDE NOTE: The Cow’s brain? That’s actually a fan! How awesome is that?