Prometheus Mini-Review: I Would Never Do That

13 06 2012

(Largely Spoiler-free!) Well gents, I got on the bandwagon and joined the masses to see Prometheus last weekend, and learned that jumping on the bandwagon is an easy way to lose 9 bucks. Now, not to be overly harsh on the number one opening weekend movie (oh wait, that was Madagascar 3), but I feel like there were a lot of missed opportunities in Prometheus to actually make sense.

Prometheus Bound

In case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about this guy.

Now, let me first say that Prometheus obviously had high production values, a stellar cast (Michael Fassbender deserves a shout-out), and was on its way to the top of my summer list, until I realized it never intended to answer any questions it introduced. That, and the script called for characters to act in such bizarre ways it completely took me out of suspension of disbelief. So yeah, I guess I could say I had problems with the writing.  Let’s pull Exhibit A, B, C, and D  from behind the sci-fi curtain, shall we?

Characters With An Alarming Number of Bad Choices

(A) So. You’re a biologist and a geologist who encounter an alien life form that looks sorta like, say, this.

“I want to be loved” face.

What do you do?

REGULAR PERSON: If you said, “Get the #@$& out of there!” , then CONGRATULATIONS, you’re smarter than this movie’s top biologist!

MOVIE BIOLOGIST: “Hey, little guy! I’m gonna try to touch you to, uh, tickle fight or something.” But really.

(B) Ok, how about this one? Say you’re directly a rapidly falling object, to avoid spoilers, let’s say you’re visiting Paris and the crap hits the fan with the Eiffel Tower. Which way do you run for the best chance at survival?

Prometheus Falling Ship

Take your time on this problem. It’s okay.

REGULAR PERSON: Not taking my chance with that bridge! Oh yeah, I could probably also just roll sideways.

PROMETHEUS: “Guess who’s not going to be in the sequel! Mr. Long Distance Runner!”

I was screaming at the screen during this one.

(C) Next, avoiding spoilers, let’s say you (very) violently got a giant, deadly, Alien thing out of yourself somehow. Let’s say you escape to the next room, down the hall, with the Alien thing writhing angrily. DO YOU: (a) at least warn your friends not to go to that room? (b) tell them the whole story, including the whole DEADLY ALIEN WITH TENTACLES bit, or (c) SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT, letting the thing GROW EXPONENTIALLY FOR THIRTY MORE MINUTES.

I shouldn’t have to say what the character does at this point.

I mean, c’mon, the least of us will warn others to not go into the bathroom right away, if we just dropped the kids off at the pool, if you follow my drift ( har! har!). What if, instead of methane gas, we had left a rabid chupacabra floating alive instead?

Scary Toilet

Or this. Imagine not even mentioning seeing this.


(D) I could save some time by saying a “Lost” writer helped with the scripting, so there you go. Or I could mention a never-again-mentioned, much less explained, opening scene of essentially an alien male model killing himself in the most creative way possible. Or, how about all the random loose ends that may or may not be answered in a sequel? You know, like motives for the Engineers? Or maybe something actually explaining what the heck was the point of this movie? But, again, “Lost.”

Finally, the whole “we somehow got a few trillion dollars and a clueless crew for an expedition based on nothing but cave drawings we think aliens left us and by the way you still won’t know what they meant by the end of the movie.”

Prometheus Meme

This would’ve been more entertaining. And made more sense.




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