Why Getting Older Makes Life Harder

19 06 2012

“Well, doesn’t THAT look like a heavy topic,” you say. “Getting older? Sounds like sentimental writing drivel to me.”

Sure, this blog post is sentimental, if “sentimental” could describe a lumberjack cutting down the world’s oldest tree, or maybe if George Lucas’ revision and cheapening of his Star Wars empire is “sentimental.” What I’m trying to say is, it’s impossible for this blog to be sentimental, much like it’s impossible for a blind man to be sentimental about his first coloring book. (Too much? Too much.)

Stevie Wonder

No coloring books, but crazy good at the piano. Guess which activity I wasted my time on?

 

No, what I’m referring to in the title stems more from how darn easy babies/toddlers have it, and how nice it would be to have this advantage in the real world. I’m not even talking about how people spoon-feed you, clothe you, and carry you around everywhere (although that would still be nice now.) Let’s start with the obvious:

Everything Is Cute

Say you’re a baby, and you’re having a bad hair day. Photo-op! Ooh and aahs go around. Look at the cute baby with his witl’ cowlick! (Ew.)

Now say you’re just having a bad hair day period, with no baby cheeks (on your face) to help you out. What’s the last thing you want? Photo-ops. Why? You’ll be mocked, or at least judged to have an IQ on par with this guy.

 

Donald Trump's Bad Hair

However, some people seem to thrive on bad hair.

 

Everything Is Funny

Next, say you let a giant, nasty sauce, belch out? If you’re a baby, guess what? Those around you are rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL for you hipsters). It’s cute!  You’re going to be DADDY’S LITTLE BOY.

But what if you’re daddy’s grown up boy, and you’re in the middle of a sales pitch, newscast, State of the Union Address, or a proposal of marriage? Well, my boy, you may as well pack your bags for your move to Loserville. No, to be funny, now you’ve gotta actually get some jokes in your bank.

Expectations Are So Small

Woo-hoo! You just went poo-a-loo in the toilet! BIG DAY for you, kiddo. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Take a second nap! Have a shot of apple juice!

kitty toilet training phase 4

Seriously, even Mr. Whiskers can poo into the bowl.  (Photo credit: reallyboring)

 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the last time I came out the bathroom, walked into a group of people, and shouted “Success!” I didn’t get one clap of applause. Even put the seat down. Apparently I have to go build the Eiffel Tower now to get any respect. But you know, that’s fine, because eventually,

It All Gets Easy Again.

That’s right! Everything goes back to zero! Fast forward to senility, and you’re the funniest person in the nursing home! You get to wear diapers again! Bad hair day? IT’S NOT THERE ANYMORE!  You’re essentially a baby wearing glasses. But at least Benjamin Button doesn’t have all those high expectations anymore.

Serves you right, Brad Pitt.

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