1. Stolen is the tale of how a group of friends wasted a perfectly good 1.5 hours of their precious lives in a failed attempt to laugh at a bad movie. Wait, you wanted the movie review instead of my viewing review? Okay, how about a broad summary? Stolen is basically every cliched action movie rolled into a Nicolas Cage.
2. I think I remember the Redbox description saying something along the lines of “When someone steals the daughter of the world’s greatest thief (Nicolas Cage)-” and then I stopped reading and got ready for a laugh-fest of Cage trying to be Liam Neeson in Taken. However, in the end the movie got the last laugh, because a bad-but-hilarious Star Wars Christmas Special this was not. It was just bad.
3. For a better example of how I felt, imagine going to a comedy show for a specific person, and when you got there he (or she, ladies) wasn’t performing. Instead, it’s Nicolas Cage on Stage. Well, how bad could it be, you ask, because he’ll either be funny, or he’ll try to be funny and you’ll get to laugh at him either way. Now, imagine he looks you in the eye, takes your favorite coat, walks back onstage, and rubs it in dog dirt for 96 minutes-and you won’t leave because he has your coat.
4. The gang’s all here- The World’s Best Thief, the Detective Who Has Chased Thief His Entire Career But Admires Him, the Generic Bad Guy Who Wants Revenge And A Back Rub, the Plot Device Daughter, and the Two Dimensional Love Interest.
5. The music is BIZARRELY HORRIBLE. Imagine the worst overblown-jazz-whatever action movie soundtrack from the 90’s, 60’s, and heck, the 80’s, and then blending them together. Then you put this music of dated cheesiness into a modern film and watch as the viewers begin to question the merit of living at all.
6. What I’m trying to say is this movie steals plots, characters, and weird music. Don’t let it steal your time and money.