Happy New Year’s Eve! For those of you old enough to remember, Y2K nearly destroyed all civilization back in 1999. Everything from the Internet to medical equipment and traffic lights to our whole framework as a society was going to be fried by the date change. Until it didn’t. Why? Was it the combined effort of the IT people, casting their technological spells? Of course not. What happened was everybody had the wrong year- forget the 1999 to 2000 switch, what REALLY causes all computers to fry their circuits is the 2013 to 2014 transition. The Mayans were off by a mere two years. Don’t believe me? Well, check this out:
“2014 will blow every computer’s mind.”
– Famous Expert Scientist
That’s right kids, SCIENCE. But don’t fret, I’ve researched the researchers, who have provided this handy survival guide.
1. Destroy all electronics– they are no longer your friend once the mega-virus begins. iPhones, PC’s- even microwaves will become the SkyNet of monsters at the stroke of midnight. Have you ever been hunted for days by a murderous Smart TV? Well, be glad you haven’t- yet. Since toys have become so high-tech and networked, they should not escape the purging either. Cast those Furbys into the fire!
2. Withdraw all your savings in cash, since the bank is just as vulnerable. Bring the cash (or gold, that’s fine too) to me and I’ll make sure it stays safe until the initial chaos is over. Speaking of which, number 3.
3. Crawl into your bunker. If you’ve irresponsibly spending your money on less practical things, like 401k’s, hopefully you have a more future-minded friend who will let you share their bunker (but bring your own supply of canned green beans).
4. Don’t forget to pack your pets. They can provide comfort during the long candle-lit hours, and in extreme cases are a great source of protein.
5. Mourn the fact that you can no longer watch Teen Mom 2 ever again, and then move on with your life.
6. Start writing the History of Everything. If all recorded knowledge in hard drives gets deleted, and books get burned for warmth, YOU may be the only thing left to tell everyone what went on before Y2K. So go crazy! Remember that time our nation was founded by Sean Connery and Walker, Texas Ranger? Everyone does now!
7. Rejoice that there’s a load of crappy movies that will never be released, like Vampire Academy and I, Frankenstein. Also there’s a good chance that Miley Cyrus will never creep you out again. And Ben Affleck will never play Batman. Shoot, maybe this won’t be so bad after all.