Prometheus Mini-Review: I Would Never Do That

13 06 2012

(Largely Spoiler-free!) Well gents, I got on the bandwagon and joined the masses to see Prometheus last weekend, and learned that jumping on the bandwagon is an easy way to lose 9 bucks. Now, not to be overly harsh on the number one opening weekend movie (oh wait, that was Madagascar 3), but I feel like there were a lot of missed opportunities in Prometheus to actually make sense.

Prometheus Bound

In case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about this guy.

Now, let me first say that Prometheus obviously had high production values, a stellar cast (Michael Fassbender deserves a shout-out), and was on its way to the top of my summer list, until I realized it never intended to answer any questions it introduced. That, and the script called for characters to act in such bizarre ways it completely took me out of suspension of disbelief. So yeah, I guess I could say I had problems with the writing.  Let’s pull Exhibit A, B, C, and D  from behind the sci-fi curtain, shall we?

Characters With An Alarming Number of Bad Choices

(A) So. You’re a biologist and a geologist who encounter an alien life form that looks sorta like, say, this.

“I want to be loved” face.

What do you do?

REGULAR PERSON: If you said, “Get the #@$& out of there!” , then CONGRATULATIONS, you’re smarter than this movie’s top biologist!

MOVIE BIOLOGIST: “Hey, little guy! I’m gonna try to touch you to, uh, tickle fight or something.” But really.

(B) Ok, how about this one? Say you’re directly a rapidly falling object, to avoid spoilers, let’s say you’re visiting Paris and the crap hits the fan with the Eiffel Tower. Which way do you run for the best chance at survival?

Prometheus Falling Ship

Take your time on this problem. It’s okay.

REGULAR PERSON: Not taking my chance with that bridge! Oh yeah, I could probably also just roll sideways.

PROMETHEUS: “Guess who’s not going to be in the sequel! Mr. Long Distance Runner!”

I was screaming at the screen during this one.

(C) Next, avoiding spoilers, let’s say you (very) violently got a giant, deadly, Alien thing out of yourself somehow. Let’s say you escape to the next room, down the hall, with the Alien thing writhing angrily. DO YOU: (a) at least warn your friends not to go to that room? (b) tell them the whole story, including the whole DEADLY ALIEN WITH TENTACLES bit, or (c) SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT, letting the thing GROW EXPONENTIALLY FOR THIRTY MORE MINUTES.

I shouldn’t have to say what the character does at this point.

I mean, c’mon, the least of us will warn others to not go into the bathroom right away, if we just dropped the kids off at the pool, if you follow my drift ( har! har!). What if, instead of methane gas, we had left a rabid chupacabra floating alive instead?

Scary Toilet

Or this. Imagine not even mentioning seeing this.


(D) I could save some time by saying a “Lost” writer helped with the scripting, so there you go. Or I could mention a never-again-mentioned, much less explained, opening scene of essentially an alien male model killing himself in the most creative way possible. Or, how about all the random loose ends that may or may not be answered in a sequel? You know, like motives for the Engineers? Or maybe something actually explaining what the heck was the point of this movie? But, again, “Lost.”

Finally, the whole “we somehow got a few trillion dollars and a clueless crew for an expedition based on nothing but cave drawings we think aliens left us and by the way you still won’t know what they meant by the end of the movie.”

Prometheus Meme

This would’ve been more entertaining. And made more sense.


The 9 Most Surprising Movies of 2012 (from my point of view)

6 01 2013

Surprises aren’t always a good thing; you never know if the gift box is hiding an iPhone 5 or a Nikki Minaj album. This isn’t my top movies of 2012. These are the movies that surprised me the most by exceeding or defiling my expectations, so movies that I knew would be good (Avengers),  mediocre (The Amazing Spider-Man, Hunger Games) or bad (Twilight) aren’t included.

1. Les Miserables- To be honest, I wasn’t expecting to enjoy the soundtrack as much as I did. In case my blogs have fooled you, I’m not the most cultured guy in the coffee shop. Musicals in particular (or operettas, for all you hipsters) have had as much impact on my life as a steak does for a vegan. That said, I LIKED the songs. I almost even bought some. So there you go. Good Surprise.

Les Miserables Poster

(Humming soundtrack)


2. The Grey-So in case you didn’t see the trailer for The Grey, it looked like Taken, but with wolves instead. Get ready as a team of men crash a plane, band together and fight wolves in an epic tale of survival! And Liam Neeson punches wolves! A lot! Ok. First, this is like the opposite of a survival movie (spoilers). Second, it wasn’t a wolf-punching fun-fest either, and they showed the last scene in the trailer. I maybe could have enjoyed this depressing, thoughtful movie if it hadn’t been advertised so differently. Bad Surprise.

3. Dark Knight Rises-So,  my review of this movie is pretty biased, as I’m both a Nolan and Batman fanboy at heart, but at the same time the movie was nothing like I thought it would be. I was expecting Dark Knight 2, but what we got had more of the Batman Begins feel with a disaster/war movie feel instead of Dark Knight‘s crime noir inspiration. Some people may have been turned off, but I loved how it ended the trilogy on such an epic scale, even if the second one’s still my favorite (yeah, it’s Joker). Good Surprise.

Dark Knight Rises Funny Charles

This is why you don’t watch pirated version.


4. Skyfall-The trailer was pretty slick, but I’ve never been a mega-fan of Bond movies (sorry, England). It turns out I really enjoyed the ride this time, including everything from the interesting locations to the psycho villain. Good Surprise. 

Daniel Craig Skyfall

Bond is sad the sky is falling.

5.Prometheus-Prometheus is like a stylish, self-inflated person who claims to tell you everything, but midway though his explanation you realize he knew less than you did. And then he shuts the car door on his hand. This movie wanted to be so ground-breaking and smart, but as I already pointed out, it consisted mostly of smoke and mirrors and added more questions. And had characters dying in the dumbest way possible, like running away from a falling ship the longest way possible. Bad Surprise.

Prometheus Falling Ship

This deserved a repost. Click to enlarge.

6. Lockout-This movie looked like a fun, dumb movie, with at least an interesting premise (prison break in space). However, it was actually just a dumb movie. Period. I walked out of the theater and counted all the better things I could have done with all that wasted time, like build a pirate-themed ant farm. Bad Surprise.

7. The expendables 2-Sure, it was loud and dumb and starred aging action stars, but we knew that, right? What I didn’t know was how hard I would laugh at the overblown hilarity, with a Chuck Norris joke summing up the whole movie. Good Surprise.

Had to have a meme somewhere.

Had to have a meme somewhere.

8. Wreck-it Ralph- This was the most Pixar-quality animated move of the year, and it didn’t come from Pixar. It even tried to pull my heart strings, but I held it off like a man. Good Surprise.


9. The Hobbit- Immaculately reproduced sets that made me want to have second breakfast while re-watching the original trilogy? Good Surprise. Annoying CGI Goblin KingBad Surprise. 

Dex and Goblin King

I still call plagiarism.