100% Accurate Movie Predictions for 2015

4 01 2015

Well it’s that time of the year again, where I make shockingly-on-point predictions about upcoming cinematic offerings. These have all been carefully selected using Google and an impossibly low level of effort. Are we in for a treat this year, or a big, steaming pile of sequels?

 

Tak3n

Stop taking his blasted stuff!

January 9- Taken 3

Haha! That last question was a joke! Get ready for the third Taken movie- hot on the heels of the first mediocre sequel. So, what gets taken this time, besides Liam Neeson’s soul? Well it turns out the only thing taken this time (SPOILER ALERT) is Bryan Mill’s wife- permanently. Yep, remember those happy endings, where he saves his family and reunites with his wife Lenore (Famke Janssen)? Well, to quote the studios, “Forget that junk, let’s have Neeson get framed for her murder!” Meanwhile, the CIA, FBI and police all try to hunt down our hero.

Prediction: It’s Liam Neeson kicking butt, so you can bet this will at least enjoy mild success for a weekend or two. Word of mouth will ultimately kill it, because some people will miss the whole American-beating-up-foreigners aspect.

 

mila_kunis

I see we’re trying the Matrix outfits again.

Feb 6- Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is found on Earth by Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered action hero, who tells her she’s important (because of confusing reasons or something) and will “alter the balance of the cosmos” (I swear that’s a quote from the official description). Also, Jupiter Jones is a terrible name.

Prediction: The promos say “From the Creators of the Matrix Trilogy,” which isn’t the best reference, but honestly have the Wachowski siblings come out with anything else that’s worth mentioning? If all people mercifully remember is the first Matrix movie, and nothing else about the other two, you may get some tickets from an audience that’s willing to forgive Mila Kunis for her awful witch in Oz the Great and Powerful.

 

Feb 13- Fifty Shades of Grey

I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this article, you are already an educated and discerning individual who doesn’t need my sarcasm to know a bad movie.

Prediction: Some will say this embarrassing pimple of a film didn’t go far enough, and others too far. Either way, let’s have a moment of silence for all the poor bro’s who will get forced into the theater by their emotionally-unstable significant others.

 

Kevin James

Wow! April looks awful!

April 17- Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Paul Blart (Kevin James) continues his cautionary tale for washed-up comedians in the sequel to the critically-acclaimed Mall Cop. I sure hope there’s some fat jokes in this one!

Prediction: Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy will be jealous they weren’t involved. The positive side is you can instantly de-friend anyone on Facebook who mentions this film in a positive light.

 

Avengers_teaser

*Spider-Man not included.

May 1- The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and the rest of the Avengers reassemble to further build their retirement funds. Expect awkward conversations about why they didn’t assemble to help out on Thor 2, where the universe practically imploded, or why not even one of them called to check up on Captain America after his near-death experience. Also count on Captain Cameo (Stan Lee) making an appearance.

Prediction: Hah, you don’t need a blog to tell you that this movie will create a shower of gold bars over Marvel Studios, and will push them full steam into their next 75 comic book movies.

May 15- Pitch Perfect 2

Because the ladies need something to watch while their guy friends watch Avengers the third weekend in a row.

Prediction: See above.

 

Comic-Con

Because Disney World was closed.

June 12- Jurassic World

Imagine a world where citizens are willing to pay to see dinosaurs up-close again, even after one or two disastrous encounters where lives were lost. Imagine this awful business plan is again picked up by well-meaning but ultimately profit-driven people in suits who know that the jaded public will fall for anything. Are the story writers being intentionally ironic with us?

Prediction: Obviously this isn’t going to be better than the original, so the most I can hope for this is gentle critics and lowered expectations from fans. Because profits…find a way.

 

Jai Arnold Schwarzenegger

Terminator heads hate sunny fields.

July 1- Terminator: Genisys

It’s a new Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) and a new Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke)…with an aging Terminator robot (Aging Arnold Schwarzenegger) in an alternate timeline. Apparently Terminators actually age now. They probably will have a crazy shootout scene in the Terminator Retirement Home, with all the other time-traveling robot assassins who couldn’t take out one dude.  At least the misspelled title will drive my OCD friends crazy.

Prediction: Arnold hasn’t been the biggest draw lately, and this is a tired series that should have gone to bed a couple of decades ago. They’ll probably draw a profit, but we won’t be telling our grandchildren about where we were when we first saw Terminator: Genisys.

 

Hunger Games Jennifer Lawrence

(Cue whistling)

Nov 20 – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2

It’s the second part of a sequel to a sequel, based on the least popular book of The Hunger Games trilogy. Even with all that cynicism, you and I will probably be in the ticket line opening weekend.

Prediction: If I remember correctly, Part I didn’t do as well in theaters, partly because of the extra fluff inserted to make the book into two movies. However, it’s the last entry of the movie series, so it’ll draw in enough profit to finance a giant party in The Capitol.

Star Wars

Admit it. You just stopped breathing for a moment.

December 18 – Star Wars: Episode VII

Like a jilted lover who doesn’t know any better, the nerd in everyone will return to the Star Wars universe this winter. Our favorite characters are now 30 years older, but there will be no Jar Jar Binks or whiny pre-Vader. Could this be the movie that finally brings balance to the Lucas? Or is it a trap?

Prediction: It’s probably a trap. But a very effective trap that will take all our money.





My Humble Suggestion for Selecting The Next Pope

7 03 2013

According to a recent poll, some Americans think the Catholic Church is out of touch. Well, that just won’t do. Since Pope Benedict XV recently resigned and they’re currently looking for a new pope, what better time could they have to, say, shake things up a bit? Relate to the bloated population? And what’s easier to relate to, than reality shows? Here’s my humble suggestions for a new papal election process. The ball’s in your court, Cardinals.

 

1. Survivor

Pope Survivor Funny

Outwit. Outlast.

 

C’mon! It’s the show that started all this garbage  treasure trove of television genre! Papal candidates use their wits to survive against fellow clergymen in the wilderness, speaking in nothing but Latin. Outwit! Outlast! Outmass!

 

2. The Amazing Race

Pope Funny Race

Race to the Vatican!

 

Two-person teams race to the Vatican, using relics found along the way. The epic finale involves a thrilling road race using Pope-Mobiles.

 

3. Big Brother

Pope Funny

Couch Time.

 

Candidates spend a few weeks in a house together, minus the normal hot tubs and sleazy filler. Instead, they debate theology, play volleyball, and just enjoy chillin’.

 

 

4. The Bachelor

Pope Bachelor Funny

Only one.

 

Who will be the new pope? Former Pope Benedict XV decides over several weeks who will gain the magic hat. Watch as papal wannabes each attempt to (chastely) woo their mentor.





One Fanboy’s Reaction to Disney’s Star Wars

1 11 2012
NOOOOOO

Short version of this article.

 

Tuesday’s news that Disney now owns Lucasfilm, and thus Star Wars, came charging out of nowhere like a stampeding Bantha. Everything’s up for grabs now, and a new trilogy is in the works. But is this a victory for the light or the dark side?

 

George Lucas and Mickey

Before Tuesday, this would have been a Photoshop.

 

At first, I was all like, “Don’t touch my childhood! What if they ruin the original trilogy and make disappointing movies…oh, wait. Never mind.”  Let’s be serious, what’s the worst that can happen? Star Wars completely sells itself out? Bad dialogue? Jar Jar? C’mon, it’s all been done, and I really don’t see Disney possibly letting down fans any more than George Lucas arguably did. Expectations are incredibly low, especially with Mickey Mouse piloting the Death Star.

Let’s not forget Disney’s idea of a “space epic.”

 

However, I’m not sure anything Disney comes out with could even gain the same  “wow” effect level, even with Star Wars fans. Ignore all other factors besides story- director, actors, cinematography-everything. There’s only so many routes they can take.

Perhaps the most dominant theory is a Return of the Jedi sequel trilogy, (the new movie’s already referred to as “Episode VII”) and this is even hinted at by Mark Hammill. But here’s a problem! Carrie Fisher, Mark Hammill, Harrison Ford, and very much Carrie Fisher are all old. Ford still does movies, and Hammill does Joker voicework, and Fisher is doing… (cricket noises). My point is, it’s been a while, and even though some works go into the years after ROTJ that feature an older Luke, Leia, and Han, I’m not sure that’s what fans want, and less want a movie with digitally-younger actors (hello, Tron!). Not to mention every one of those stories eventually turn into the same plotlines of the original trilogy (sith take over, new killer space weapon, the fall and redemption of Skywalkers), so it’d be a strange case of deja-vu.

The other option would be the (bloated) expanded universe of Star Wars, told through such non-canon media as comics, cartoons, books, video games, and the prequel trilogy (ha!). I admit, there’s vast potential here, but at the end of the day, it’ll be hard to put it on the same level as the two trilogies, which for all their problems tell a single epic dealing with the Skywalkers, and the absence of Vader or Obi-Wan or Luke would be a giant zit on whatever polished story they conceive. That’s at least what it would be to anyone who hasn’t been exposed to anything but the movies.So, at the end of the day, I gotta admit the idea of a new trilogy is exciting, but there’s a lot of gas in this burrito. Unless, of course, they follow my fail-proof idea- make the “new trilogy” a reboot of the three prequels. And Maul lasts all three movies. And kills Jar Jar Binks. Violently.

 

Jar Jar Killed by Darth Maul

Here’s one suggestion.





News in Review

12 01 2012

This week in politics, something worthwhile finally emerged from the Republican debates as Newt Gingrich told Romney to “drop the pious baloney,” giving the meme-fascinated society something to beat around for a while.

 

English: Newt Gingrich at a political conferen...

Yeah! I'll have some pious bacon too!

 

In sports, Tim Tebow averaged 31.6 yards per pass and gained an overnight rating of 31.6, clearly in direct defiance of NFL’s regulation against Tebow’s John 3:16 face paint.

Also,  LSU’s football team  remains stuck in New Orleans ever since someone put a 50 yard line in front of the bus.

 

English: Tim Tebow, a player on the Denver Bro...

No Tebowing for LSU.

 

 

 

 

In world news, Dear Leader Kim Jong-il finally sprouted glorious wings of diamond rubies and flew to the heavens leaving a trail of rainbows and purity. Luckily his son Russell, a rising boy scout, has become the new glorious successor.

 

 

Need Help Crossing the Southern Border?

 

 

Finally in entertainment, Cee Lo Green enrages John Lennon fans by changing a lyric in his performance of “Imagine” at NBC’s New Year’s Eve broadcast from Times Square, confirming to skeptics that somebody actually watched the show.

 

Kim Jong-il reportedly was too busy creating wondrous new galaxies to view the show.

 





Public Enemy #1

30 11 2011

Word on the street is PETA has a new target. PETA (that’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not People Eating Tasty Animals) is already known for conducting various high-brow, intelligent campaigns. For example, naked people refusing to wear fur, or anything at all for that matter except a strategically placed (and terrified-looking) bunny, chick, etc. Those ads are out there if you want to sneak a look at airbrushed women in not even their skivvies, but this is a family-friendly blog. Go find them yourself.  Such tactics seem to indicate they have only one target audience in mind.

That's right, I'm talking about kids with evil paternal figures.

No, in a brilliant twist that everyone should have seen coming, PETA decided to target Super Mario.

Mario's all grown up.

They literally designed an entire campaign around Mario murderously wiping out the raccoon species for a tanooki suit.  “Tanooki may be just a suit in the game, but in real life tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur,” according to PETA’s site. “By wearing a Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it is OK to wear fur.”

After a deafening outcry from nerds everywhere, PETA later stated that the whole thing was actually “tongue-in-cheek.” PETA didn’t want us to burn our dusty Game Cubes, they just wanted us to stop buying that dagburn raccoon fur! I for one definitely have blown way too much of my income on raccoon apparel.

But wait, they’re just going to let Mass Murderer Mario walk free because a few fanboys got their tanooki tails ruffled? Not on my watch! We haven’t even come close to listing all of Mario’s horrifying subliminal messaging aimed at YOUR KID. Or YOU. If you play video games.

Let’s roll them out.

C'mon, PETA. This is up your alley.

Step on a turtle, and it will NOT shoot out of its shell wearing a grin and no pants. Try telling that to Little Billy, who just played through Super Mario 3 (Billy lives in the 80’s). No, in the cold, real world, that turtle is flat toast smeared with strawberry jam, if you get my drift.

Cruel Mario

This has happened somewhere.

I can hear my reader(s) crying out, “Okay! So Mario has animal issues! That’s all!”

No, sensitive reader, it is not. Exhibit B.

Kart Anti-Safety

Luigi about to face plant off the moving vehicle of fun.

“Kids! Helmets are for momma’s boys!” -Nintendo

Mario Mushroom

Of course it's safe!

“Kids! It’s so pretty, it GOTTA be tasty!” – Nintendo

Drugs!

DRUGS!

“Pills, pills, pills! Of course I’m a real doctor!” – Dealer Mario

Frog Mario

PETA HE'S AT IT AGAIN!

“Kids! You can skin more than animals with fur!” – Nintendo





Occupy Weird Street

15 11 2011

As of this writing, the Occupy Wall Street folks have been cleared out of their “tent city” in New York City. The same goes for other cities, such as Oakland and Denver. Do these protesters have a point? Were the officials being wet blankets? What happens now? Who were the weirdest protesters?

Guess which question I think is most important.

Okay, I’m not a Occupy Wall Street expert. However, I don’t follow where the Pooh Bear theme fits into their message. But hey, it’s cold in NYC, so you can’t say the hat is pointless, and she also made a rather clever “bear” pun.

One of the reasons authorities gave for the eviction is the rising crime and drug use within the encampments, which is of course nonsense.

No drugs here.

There are approximately 13 misdemeanors authorities could have tacked onto the movement based on this video alone. All I can say is Santa Guy and Dancing Man were on a trip that no subway could ever take them on.

Oh, if only there was someone to keep all this madness in check! Someone to help the Little Guys and the Big Man talk things over without tear gas and tents. You know, a real life superhero.

Super Nerds

The Serious Way to Fight Crime

Be careful what you wish for. A member of the Real Life Superheroes group (actual members above)  happened to be in the middle of Occupy Oakland. These individuals literally dress up and patrol streets at night, hoping the bad guys aren’t armed with a gun or an even more obnoxious costume. Roy Sovari, aka “Ray,” and his fellow hero “Motor Mouth,” basically were “providing security” and “protecting the people’s right to assembly.” Because nothing says “political movement” like donning a cape or paintball mask and wearing undies over your normal clothes. Anyway, Sovari ended up getting arrested after supposedly hitting a cop with his Captain American-ish shield. The full story can be found on the official superhero site here. Apparently, all you need is a costume and photoshopping skills, and BAM!, you’re Batman. Or Master Legend.

Hopefully this post will clear up all the Occupy confusion and help everyone find some common ground. Now go play a saxophone for a bear.