3 Reasons I Miss Midnight Movie Releases

28 04 2015

Well, as any movie fan knows, Marvel is about to take another swim in the ol’ money pool this week with the new The Avengers: Age of Ultron. And, just as I’ve done with other giant movies like The Dark Knight or Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Lucas, I’ll be right there with the rest of the fans on opening night. And, just like any other fan, I’ll find something to complain about. In this case, it’s nothing more than the now commonplace practice of releasing movies an evening early instead of only midnight. Why is this a big deal? Well, if you read the title, you’ll know I’ve got three reasons to rain on the early release’s parade.

Joker and Two-Face

Judge me not, or I’ll ask why you’re being so serious.

1. The Diehard Fans

To some people, people lining up outside a movie theater at 10:30 PM (and who may or may not be in costume) looks weird. I get that. But, imagine you’re so excited for something that you want to watch it as soon as possible, and not only that, but you’ll be surrounded by other fans as crazy as you who think starting a movie at midnight is worth it. You line up, maybe talk to other people dressed as a Slytherin student or Batman villain about their expectations. And then, when the theater’s packed and the movie finally starts, everyone cheers loudly- for a film. But then, once opening scene rolls? Dead silence. Respectful quiet from people who just want to experience the movie the way it’s meant to be. That’s not to say it’s like a morgue the whole time- expect laughter at comedic moments and even applause at the best parts. It’s almost as if you’re at a live play with all the interaction, including (unless you’re Spider-Man 3) applause at the ending credits. Never experienced that before in a theater? Well, you’ve probably never been to the late showing then. Your movie-going world consists of the casual fans.

2. The Casual Fans

If midnight premieres bring out the hardcore fans, 6 o’clock releases bring out the people who wonder when Batman will show up in The Avengers. This is the stereotypical crowd that people love to hate. Screaming babies? Sure, why not bring two! People lighting up the world with their cell phone screens? Check. Throw in that one stain of a human being who successfully stays being loud and obnoxious during the entire show, and you have what I call “the casual crowd.” Instead of a shared experience with your fellow fans, it’s a prime reminder that yes, you do dislike the majority of the human race. The best way to avoid these people is by attending a later showing that only the dedicated will attend.

3. Event Vs. Activity

However, at the end of the night, haven’t you watched the same movie? Yes, but you sure haven’t had the same experience. When movies open at 5:30 on a Thursday night, you’ve watched a movie. When you used to only have a midnight showing, you’ve gone to a premiere. There may be costumes and giveaways, but mostly it’s just a shared celebrational event. And I’m pretty sure those times are gone forever. Are we really going to wait till midnight when everyone else is watching at 5:30? What’s the point? Studios certainly aren’t going to go back to a more honest opening “weekend” at the cost of early profits. I’ll definitely be more ready for work the next morning. At the end of the day, I just hope Hulk’s smashing is loud enough to drown out the crying infants this Thursday evening.





100% Accurate Movie Predictions for 2015

4 01 2015

Well it’s that time of the year again, where I make shockingly-on-point predictions about upcoming cinematic offerings. These have all been carefully selected using Google and an impossibly low level of effort. Are we in for a treat this year, or a big, steaming pile of sequels?

 

Tak3n

Stop taking his blasted stuff!

January 9- Taken 3

Haha! That last question was a joke! Get ready for the third Taken movie- hot on the heels of the first mediocre sequel. So, what gets taken this time, besides Liam Neeson’s soul? Well it turns out the only thing taken this time (SPOILER ALERT) is Bryan Mill’s wife- permanently. Yep, remember those happy endings, where he saves his family and reunites with his wife Lenore (Famke Janssen)? Well, to quote the studios, “Forget that junk, let’s have Neeson get framed for her murder!” Meanwhile, the CIA, FBI and police all try to hunt down our hero.

Prediction: It’s Liam Neeson kicking butt, so you can bet this will at least enjoy mild success for a weekend or two. Word of mouth will ultimately kill it, because some people will miss the whole American-beating-up-foreigners aspect.

 

mila_kunis

I see we’re trying the Matrix outfits again.

Feb 6- Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is found on Earth by Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered action hero, who tells her she’s important (because of confusing reasons or something) and will “alter the balance of the cosmos” (I swear that’s a quote from the official description). Also, Jupiter Jones is a terrible name.

Prediction: The promos say “From the Creators of the Matrix Trilogy,” which isn’t the best reference, but honestly have the Wachowski siblings come out with anything else that’s worth mentioning? If all people mercifully remember is the first Matrix movie, and nothing else about the other two, you may get some tickets from an audience that’s willing to forgive Mila Kunis for her awful witch in Oz the Great and Powerful.

 

Feb 13- Fifty Shades of Grey

I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this article, you are already an educated and discerning individual who doesn’t need my sarcasm to know a bad movie.

Prediction: Some will say this embarrassing pimple of a film didn’t go far enough, and others too far. Either way, let’s have a moment of silence for all the poor bro’s who will get forced into the theater by their emotionally-unstable significant others.

 

Kevin James

Wow! April looks awful!

April 17- Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Paul Blart (Kevin James) continues his cautionary tale for washed-up comedians in the sequel to the critically-acclaimed Mall Cop. I sure hope there’s some fat jokes in this one!

Prediction: Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy will be jealous they weren’t involved. The positive side is you can instantly de-friend anyone on Facebook who mentions this film in a positive light.

 

Avengers_teaser

*Spider-Man not included.

May 1- The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and the rest of the Avengers reassemble to further build their retirement funds. Expect awkward conversations about why they didn’t assemble to help out on Thor 2, where the universe practically imploded, or why not even one of them called to check up on Captain America after his near-death experience. Also count on Captain Cameo (Stan Lee) making an appearance.

Prediction: Hah, you don’t need a blog to tell you that this movie will create a shower of gold bars over Marvel Studios, and will push them full steam into their next 75 comic book movies.

May 15- Pitch Perfect 2

Because the ladies need something to watch while their guy friends watch Avengers the third weekend in a row.

Prediction: See above.

 

Comic-Con

Because Disney World was closed.

June 12- Jurassic World

Imagine a world where citizens are willing to pay to see dinosaurs up-close again, even after one or two disastrous encounters where lives were lost. Imagine this awful business plan is again picked up by well-meaning but ultimately profit-driven people in suits who know that the jaded public will fall for anything. Are the story writers being intentionally ironic with us?

Prediction: Obviously this isn’t going to be better than the original, so the most I can hope for this is gentle critics and lowered expectations from fans. Because profits…find a way.

 

Jai Arnold Schwarzenegger

Terminator heads hate sunny fields.

July 1- Terminator: Genisys

It’s a new Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) and a new Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke)…with an aging Terminator robot (Aging Arnold Schwarzenegger) in an alternate timeline. Apparently Terminators actually age now. They probably will have a crazy shootout scene in the Terminator Retirement Home, with all the other time-traveling robot assassins who couldn’t take out one dude.  At least the misspelled title will drive my OCD friends crazy.

Prediction: Arnold hasn’t been the biggest draw lately, and this is a tired series that should have gone to bed a couple of decades ago. They’ll probably draw a profit, but we won’t be telling our grandchildren about where we were when we first saw Terminator: Genisys.

 

Hunger Games Jennifer Lawrence

(Cue whistling)

Nov 20 – The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2

It’s the second part of a sequel to a sequel, based on the least popular book of The Hunger Games trilogy. Even with all that cynicism, you and I will probably be in the ticket line opening weekend.

Prediction: If I remember correctly, Part I didn’t do as well in theaters, partly because of the extra fluff inserted to make the book into two movies. However, it’s the last entry of the movie series, so it’ll draw in enough profit to finance a giant party in The Capitol.

Star Wars

Admit it. You just stopped breathing for a moment.

December 18 – Star Wars: Episode VII

Like a jilted lover who doesn’t know any better, the nerd in everyone will return to the Star Wars universe this winter. Our favorite characters are now 30 years older, but there will be no Jar Jar Binks or whiny pre-Vader. Could this be the movie that finally brings balance to the Lucas? Or is it a trap?

Prediction: It’s probably a trap. But a very effective trap that will take all our money.





Why Outcast May Be This Year’s Best Worst Movie Ever

26 08 2014
(No Caption Needed)

(No Caption Needed)

 

Judging from the new trailer, Outcast is the answer to the question, “Will Nicolas Cage ever stop starring in horrible movies?” No. The answer is no. If you haven’t already, check out the amazing trailer below. If you have seen it already, watch it again, because you can never watch too many train wrecks. Don’t worry- I’ll wait.

 

 

Now that we’re all either laughing our faces off or heading to the antidepressants aisle, let’s talk about this giant dump Hollywood is about to unleash on us. First observation- Nicolas Cage is still broke and needs money. Second observation- Hayden Christensen has literally gone from starring in Star Wars to co-starring in…well, a Nicolas Cage movie. His haircut alone reeks of broken dreams. That’s quite a fall from grace, but honestly, doesn’t he deserve it after his whiny portrayal of pre-Vader?

However, unlike Hayden, none of us either asked for or deserved this lingering dog fart of a movie. Next year, when this movie releases, the good citizens of this nation will be going about their business, when BAM! Nicolas Cage appears with a horrifying case of stink eye and a terrible accent  (“ow’d you find me, boyh?”). But hey, at least it’s another story about how Western Caucasians can save those poor Easterners! Heck, Cage (playing a former European Crusader) is probably better at martial arts than those guys too, because at this point, why not?

So why will I still probably watch this once it reaches RedBox? Because bad Nicolas Cage movies can be hilarious. I watched Stolen and it was side-splittingly awful, and he wasn’t even squinting with one eye the whole time pretending to be British. Also, consider how Hayden’s inability to  act could mix with Cage’s crazy over-acting. There’s no way even Disney World could rival that kind of movie magic.

nicolas-cage-mem-gordan-ramsay





7 Tips for Surviving Y2K this New Year’s Eve (2014 edition)

31 12 2013

Happy New Year’s Eve! For those of you old enough to remember, Y2K nearly destroyed all civilization back in 1999. Everything from the Internet to medical equipment and traffic lights to our whole framework as a society was going to be fried by the date change. Until it didn’t. Why? Was it the combined effort of the IT people, casting their technological spells? Of course not. What happened was everybody had the wrong year- forget the 1999 to 2000 switch, what REALLY causes all computers to fry their circuits is the 2013 to 2014 transition. The Mayans were off by a mere two years. Don’t believe me? Well, check this out:

“2014 will blow every computer’s mind.”

– Famous Expert Scientist

I even found a credible article.

I even found a credible article.

That’s right kids, SCIENCE. But don’t fret, I’ve researched the researchers, who have provided this handy survival guide.

1. Destroy all electronics– they are no longer your friend once the mega-virus begins. iPhones, PC’s- even microwaves will become the SkyNet of monsters at the stroke of midnight. Have you ever been hunted for days by a murderous Smart TV? Well, be glad you haven’t- yet. Since toys have become so high-tech and networked, they should not escape the purging either. Cast those Furbys into the fire!

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2. Withdraw all your savings in cash, since the bank is just as vulnerable. Bring the cash (or gold, that’s fine too) to me and I’ll make sure it stays safe until the initial chaos is over. Speaking of which, number 3.

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3. Crawl into your bunker. If you’ve irresponsibly spending your money on less practical things, like 401k’s, hopefully you have a more future-minded friend who will let you share their bunker (but bring your own supply of canned green beans).

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4. Don’t forget to pack your pets. They can provide comfort during the long candle-lit hours, and in extreme cases are a great source of protein.

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5. Mourn the fact that you can no longer watch Teen Mom 2 ever again, and then move on with your life.

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6. Start writing the History of Everything. If all recorded knowledge in hard drives gets deleted, and books get burned for warmth, YOU may be the only thing left to tell everyone what went on before Y2K. So go crazy! Remember that time our nation was founded by Sean Connery and Walker, Texas Ranger? Everyone does now!

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7. Rejoice that there’s a load of crappy movies that will never be released, like Vampire Academy (shudder) and I, Frankenstein. Also there’s a good chance that Miley Cyrus will never creep you out again. And Ben Affleck will never play Batman. Shoot, maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

Watching the world burn.

Maybe we can all stop joking about this in 2014.





My Humble Suggestion for Selecting The Next Pope

7 03 2013

According to a recent poll, some Americans think the Catholic Church is out of touch. Well, that just won’t do. Since Pope Benedict XV recently resigned and they’re currently looking for a new pope, what better time could they have to, say, shake things up a bit? Relate to the bloated population? And what’s easier to relate to, than reality shows? Here’s my humble suggestions for a new papal election process. The ball’s in your court, Cardinals.

 

1. Survivor

Pope Survivor Funny

Outwit. Outlast.

 

C’mon! It’s the show that started all this garbage  treasure trove of television genre! Papal candidates use their wits to survive against fellow clergymen in the wilderness, speaking in nothing but Latin. Outwit! Outlast! Outmass!

 

2. The Amazing Race

Pope Funny Race

Race to the Vatican!

 

Two-person teams race to the Vatican, using relics found along the way. The epic finale involves a thrilling road race using Pope-Mobiles.

 

3. Big Brother

Pope Funny

Couch Time.

 

Candidates spend a few weeks in a house together, minus the normal hot tubs and sleazy filler. Instead, they debate theology, play volleyball, and just enjoy chillin’.

 

 

4. The Bachelor

Pope Bachelor Funny

Only one.

 

Who will be the new pope? Former Pope Benedict XV decides over several weeks who will gain the magic hat. Watch as papal wannabes each attempt to (chastely) woo their mentor.





Why Pancake Day is a better holiday than Valentine’s Day

5 02 2013

single awareness day

 

If you’re like me, than at least one time you’ve said, “Wow, if only there was a better thing to celebrate in February than heartache!” Well, hold the gallons of ice cream, because there is! Today happens to be National Pancake Day, and it’s at IHOP, because they love people. Why is it better? Take a gander at these facts.

It’s rejection-free! What do you need for Valentine’s Day, reader? That’s right, money! Also, a willing partner of romance, and that’s where things get tricky. “You want to go on a date?” “Heck no!” This doesn’t exist on Pancake Day. “Can I eat pancakes for free?” “Is this America?!”

National Pancake Day

Yes, sir, it is.

 

Oh, don’t worry, I know there’s some haters out there saying, “This guy’s just a bitter old man-hen,” but that’s really not part of the equation here. As every experienced person knows, single lads and lasses don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day; to us, it’s Single Awareness Day, or S.A.D. For you love birds out there, cooing to each other on every social media channel available, Valentine’s Day really means one thing: meeting expectations. And who gets the responsibility? The gender who is least equipped to meet lofty romantic expectations, that’s who. Even if you slam-dunk it this year, it just becomes that much harder to surpass it next year, and before you know it, you’ll both be eating dinner on top of the Eiffel Tower with The Notebook playing, and there will still be an air of disappointment.

And then we have Pancake Day. This was a day borne with purest of intentions. There wasn’t some meeting at Hallmark’s headquarters; this was just some guy who one day said, “Shoot. I really love pancakes.” Then you know what he did? He cooked a whole batch of those suckers, invited over his neighbors, family, and friends, and they had a pancake shindig all day. One year later, they had finally all recovered, so they DID IT AGAIN. Simple. Love.





100% Accurate Predictions for 2013 Blockbuster Movies

24 01 2013

So what’s going to happen with this year’s top movies? Read on, if you dare, for an unbiased and gritty look into the future.

February

A Good Day to Die Hard

Poetry.

Poetry.

Prediction: Bruce Willis will wow audience in the newest Die Hard installment, leading them down a “philosophical masterpiece,” effortlessly blending  deep themes with an original story line.

March

Oz the Great and Powerful

James Franco. Now he's Oz.

James Franco. Now he’s Oz.

Prediction: James Franco, vowing vengeance against Spider Man, travels to Oz, a magical place anyone on a drug trip can visit.

April

Oblivion

Morgan Freeman Oblivion

Morgan Freeman goes Book of Eli

Prediction: Tom Cruise journeys to the late Planet Earth, which has long stopped supporting human life. This is not to be confused with M. Night Shyamalan’s (red flag!) new movie After Earth, which also features a recognizable movie star journeying to the late Planet Earth, which has long stopped supporting human life.

May

Iron Man 3

He's like Batman, only not sad that he's a superhero.

He’s like Batman, only not sad that he’s a superhero.

Prediction: Robert Downey Jr. continues being a filthy rich guy who is likable but also annoyingly self-absorbed. He also plays Iron Man.

Star Trek into Darkness

star-trek-meme-into-darkness

Prediction: KHAAAAAAN!

June

Man of Steel

Superman can be a jerk.

Superman can be a jerk.

Prediction: Man of Steel becomes the year’s most anticipated movie, answering the question if Christopher Nolan can make a Superman movie that is actually watchable.

July

The Wolverine

The Wolverine Poster

Shirt Not Included, Unnecessary Sword Is

Prediction: Hugh Jackman sings his way through this bold musical retelling of the X-Men’s origins. Can Wolverine find redemption and appear in the next twelve X-Men movies?

August

Red 2

Red 2

This time they’re wearing ridiculous costumes!

Prediction: Laugh your way through yet another action comedy about aging action stars. This one’s even a sequel, so it’s twice as fresh!

September

Star Wars Episode 2- Attack of the Clones

Mace Windu is not impressed

Nor are we with this movie.

Prediction: Re-watch George Lucas teabag your childhood, but this time it’s in glorious 3-D! Watch two generally unlikable lovers frolic in meadows and ponder to yourself how much better Darth Maul could have made this disappointment of a movie.

October

Paranormal Activity 27

Actually, this would be better.

Actually, this would be better.

 

Prediction: Gasp in horror as doors creak and toilets become possessed. However, most of the movie will feature such standbys as dumb people sleeping and dumber people making home videos. They’ll still charge 10 bucks to see this.

November

Thor: The Dark World

Thor Funny

Ladies…

Prediction: Thor returns  to pretend his movie franchise isn’t around just to advertise Avengers 2. However, Chris Hemsworth guarantees this is at least one comic book movie your girlfriend will want to see.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Peeta Meme

Awkward teen romance included!

Prediction: Will Katniss and friends leave us hungry for me, or will the movie’s appeal go up in flames? Wow, that was even painful to type. Either way, the third book’s a disaster, so it goes downhill after this.

December

The Hobbit- The Desolation of Smaug

Smaug the Draghen

Sweet Concept Art of Smaug.

Prediction: Peter Jackson continues his drawn-out film tradition, with a forty-minute segment devoted to the proper way to braid a dwarf’s beard. Rumors abound that we’ll actually get to see the dragon this time, unless Jackson decides to split it into two more movies.