Taken 2 Five-Point Review

15 10 2012
Taken 2 Poster

Oh, that’s a brilliant plan.

1. Don’t mess with Liam Neeson, I mean, Bryan Mills. This movie could also be called “One More Reason Not to Tick Off Liam Neeson.”

2. Yeah, it’s pretty much Taken’s less original cousin, but it’s still related. If you saw the trailer and actually¬†thought Taken 2 would break new ground, I’m not sure what to tell you. It’s people like you who keep watching Paranormal Activity sequels, isn’t it?

3. One thing the movie lacked was the ambiguity of the original. You never saw the daughter or knew her situation during the whole search, which in my opinion raised the tension. When it keeps flashing back to whoever’s being held captive, it feels like any other movie where the audience is omniscient, instead of discovering clues with Liam Neeson.

4. I was disappointed Neeson’s friends weren’t involved more. That one friend was so legit in the first, I wanted to know what his other friends could do. I was kinda wishing they’d show up halfway through in a flying tank or something.

5. All in all, the movie mostly worked for me. I admit I had the lowest of expectations at this seemingly shameless cash-in sequel. However, there were still enough clever segments (maps with grenades!) and shock value (rooftop jumping, anyone?) parts that I’ll forgive the sloppy climax setup. ¬†Just make sure you’re expecting more of the same.

One more thing: Rumor has it the studios want a Taken 3. Please, no. This cow is officially dry. It was a good cow, but it’s now a tired cow.

Call Me Maybe Taken

Unless it was this plot.

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Wrath of the Tibetans

10 04 2012

This past weekend I had the opportunity to see the newest sequel-to-a-remake/reboot, known as Wrath of the Titans, or “Wrath of the Tibetans,” as my all-knowing auto-correct on my phone decided it to be. Phones think they know what we want to say; well why on this green earth would it think I wanted to invite my friends to watch a movie about wrathful Asians, when there’s a movie out there starring Liam Neeson as Zeus?!

Kim Jong Un

Yes I know North Korea is not Tibet, but I wanted to use this again.

 

Anyway, if you haven’t seen this epic masterpiece yet, what are you waiting for? This should be number one in the box office! Well if you think I was being serious, I’m NOT. I’m joking, this movie is as disappointing as bubble wrap that doesn’t pop. It barely even delivers on the end credits.

 

Approach that mountain of CGI, full speed!

 

Look, I wasn’t looking for poetry in the cinema, but this flick doesn’t even try. Wrath? Epic tale? How about boring in an epic way? That’s right, BORING. With a poster like that! And chock-full of CGI monsters/battles! Did I mention Liam Neeson is Zeus? Well it doesn’t matter, because nothing in this whole movie seems to matter. The characters are pretty thin, or just don’t make sense (really, Perseus? You’d rather FISH all day instead of riding a BLACK PEGASUS around? Am I supposed to be cheering for this guy?). Thus, when they die, good or bad, I found it hard to care, though I think the filmmakers just cared about the action scenes.

 

Liam Neeson at the TIFF premiere of The Other ...

PIKA-FIRE-LIGHTING!

 

But that’s what everyone wants to see these days, right? Action? Yeah, it’s here, but there’s so much CGI and crap that usually it’s impossible to know where anyone actually is in relation to other armies. The accompanying soundtrack is typically bland, and would have been improved by just pasting “Duel of the Fates” over their so-called epic music. Not to mention everything is far too predictable, so there’s not even an element of danger here, if the audience took time to care. I think at the end of the day, most people were questioning why this movie even came along. It’s a sequel to a OK remake, and honestly it’s the same movie with more CGI and a whiny hero who just wants to stay in his peasant village and fish instead of embracing his supernatural powers and FLYING HORSE.

 

Seriously, at least ride your flying horse to work every now and then.

 

I think Wrath of the Tibetans would have been more interesting.