Public Enemy #1

30 11 2011

Word on the street is PETA has a new target. PETA (that’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, not People Eating Tasty Animals) is already known for conducting various high-brow, intelligent campaigns. For example, naked people refusing to wear fur, or anything at all for that matter except a strategically placed (and terrified-looking) bunny, chick, etc. Those ads are out there if you want to sneak a look at airbrushed women in not even their skivvies, but this is a family-friendly blog. Go find them yourself.  Such tactics seem to indicate they have only one target audience in mind.

That's right, I'm talking about kids with evil paternal figures.

No, in a brilliant twist that everyone should have seen coming, PETA decided to target Super Mario.

Mario's all grown up.

They literally designed an entire campaign around Mario murderously wiping out the raccoon species for a tanooki suit.  “Tanooki may be just a suit in the game, but in real life tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur,” according to PETA’s site. “By wearing a Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it is OK to wear fur.”

After a deafening outcry from nerds everywhere, PETA later stated that the whole thing was actually “tongue-in-cheek.” PETA didn’t want us to burn our dusty Game Cubes, they just wanted us to stop buying that dagburn raccoon fur! I for one definitely have blown way too much of my income on raccoon apparel.

But wait, they’re just going to let Mass Murderer Mario walk free because a few fanboys got their tanooki tails ruffled? Not on my watch! We haven’t even come close to listing all of Mario’s horrifying subliminal messaging aimed at YOUR KID. Or YOU. If you play video games.

Let’s roll them out.

C'mon, PETA. This is up your alley.

Step on a turtle, and it will NOT shoot out of its shell wearing a grin and no pants. Try telling that to Little Billy, who just played through Super Mario 3 (Billy lives in the 80’s). No, in the cold, real world, that turtle is flat toast smeared with strawberry jam, if you get my drift.

Cruel Mario

This has happened somewhere.

I can hear my reader(s) crying out, “Okay! So Mario has animal issues! That’s all!”

No, sensitive reader, it is not. Exhibit B.

Kart Anti-Safety

Luigi about to face plant off the moving vehicle of fun.

“Kids! Helmets are for momma’s boys!” -Nintendo

Mario Mushroom

Of course it's safe!

“Kids! It’s so pretty, it GOTTA be tasty!” – Nintendo

Drugs!

DRUGS!

“Pills, pills, pills! Of course I’m a real doctor!” – Dealer Mario

Frog Mario

PETA HE'S AT IT AGAIN!

“Kids! You can skin more than animals with fur!” – Nintendo

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