Why Outcast May Be This Year’s Best Worst Movie Ever

26 08 2014
(No Caption Needed)

(No Caption Needed)

 

Judging from the new trailer, Outcast is the answer to the question, “Will Nicolas Cage ever stop starring in horrible movies?” No. The answer is no. If you haven’t already, check out the amazing trailer below. If you have seen it already, watch it again, because you can never watch too many train wrecks. Don’t worry- I’ll wait.

 

 

Now that we’re all either laughing our faces off or heading to the antidepressants aisle, let’s talk about this giant dump Hollywood is about to unleash on us. First observation- Nicolas Cage is still broke and needs money. Second observation- Hayden Christensen has literally gone from starring in Star Wars to co-starring in…well, a Nicolas Cage movie. His haircut alone reeks of broken dreams. That’s quite a fall from grace, but honestly, doesn’t he deserve it after his whiny portrayal of pre-Vader?

However, unlike Hayden, none of us either asked for or deserved this lingering dog fart of a movie. Next year, when this movie releases, the good citizens of this nation will be going about their business, when BAM! Nicolas Cage appears with a horrifying case of stink eye and a terrible accent  (“ow’d you find me, boyh?”). But hey, at least it’s another story about how Western Caucasians can save those poor Easterners! Heck, Cage (playing a former European Crusader) is probably better at martial arts than those guys too, because at this point, why not?

So why will I still probably watch this once it reaches RedBox? Because bad Nicolas Cage movies can be hilarious. I watched Stolen and it was side-splittingly awful, and he wasn’t even squinting with one eye the whole time pretending to be British. Also, consider how Hayden’s inability to  act could mix with Cage’s crazy over-acting. There’s no way even Disney World could rival that kind of movie magic.

nicolas-cage-mem-gordan-ramsay





Stolen Review- Cage Steals the Show in a Bad Way

11 04 2013
Nicolas Cage Poster

Cute Poster.

 

1. Stolen is the tale of how a group of friends wasted a perfectly good 1.5 hours of their precious lives in a failed attempt to laugh at a bad movie. Wait, you wanted the movie review instead of my viewing review? Okay, how about a broad summary? Stolen is basically every cliched action movie rolled into a Nicolas Cage.

 

Rage Nicolas Cage

2. I think I remember the Redbox description saying something along the lines of “When someone steals the daughter of the world’s greatest thief (Nicolas Cage)-” and then I stopped reading and got ready for a laugh-fest of Cage trying to be Liam Neeson in Taken. However, in the end the movie got the last laugh, because a bad-but-hilarious Star Wars Christmas Special this was not. It was just bad.

 

Put the bunny back in the box. -Nic Cage

Put the bunny back in the box. -Nic Cage

 

3. For a better example of how I felt, imagine going to a comedy show for a specific person, and when you got there he (or she, ladies) wasn’t performing. Instead, it’s Nicolas Cage on Stage. Well, how bad could it be, you ask, because he’ll either be funny, or he’ll try to be funny and you’ll get to laugh at him either way. Now, imagine he looks you in the eye, takes your favorite coat, walks back onstage, and rubs it in dog dirt for 96 minutes-and you won’t leave because he has your coat.

 

Nicolas Funny Scream

I love pictures of Nicolas Cage.

 

4. The gang’s all here- The World’s Best Thief, the Detective Who Has Chased Thief His Entire Career But Admires Him, the Generic Bad Guy Who Wants Revenge And A Back Rub, the Plot Device Daughter, and the Two Dimensional Love Interest.

You're welcome.

You’re welcome.

 

5. The music is BIZARRELY HORRIBLE. Imagine the worst overblown-jazz-whatever action movie soundtrack from the 90’s, 60’s, and heck, the 80’s, and then blending them together. Then you put this music of dated cheesiness into a modern film and watch as the viewers begin to question the merit of living at all.

 

Nicolas Cage Meme Valentine

Ladies….

 

6. What I’m trying to say is this movie steals plots, characters, and weird music. Don’t let it steal your time and money.